"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you." - Christion Morgenstern
"There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them." -J.K. Rowling

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Me + Ryan + Kaite + Tanner + a Mattress = . . . . (Part One to the Epic Day Saga)

As a group, we end up doing a lot of things we never really planed. Don't believe me? Do yourself a favor, stop reading this post now and scroll down to the bottom - it's all the proof I need, since these are all true stories. I'm really not that creative, people, come on.
Given the title of this piece, it probably wouldn't help to tell you that this excursion was actually planned, mattress and all. You see, there is this sport - one of two sports I will willingly participate in - called 'Redneck Fishing.' There are a surprising amount of tools needed to execute this sport correctly. I've provided a list of the necessary tools for those who would like to attempt it:
1) air mattress
2) pump (unless you want to waste your breath filling said mattress up)
3) sun screen
4) bug spray
5) a pond
6) any water toys you can get your hands on
7) a car to transport everything to said pond
Ryan, Katie, Tanner and I piled the above list into the trunk of my car - Denton - minus the sun screen and bug spray though, we weren't that smart. Then my little Kate-Kate directed us to this really, really small parking lot that connected to this trail we'd have to haul everything down to get to the pond.
When we got to the pond, I threw the mattress I was carrying into the pond and mounted it. You surprised? What were you thinking we were going to do with the mattress, huh?
"You guys gonna join me?" I asked as my mattress began to drift towards the middle of the pond.
"I'm not getting in," Tanner said.
"What?!" Katie, Ryan and I asked at the same time.
"I don't want to get wet," he explained.
"You don't want to get wet, but you came to play with us in the pond?" I asked, intelligence-doubting sarcasm dripping off of every syllable.
"Uh, yeah," he said, like I was stupid or something. "It's you guys, duh."
Well, if nothing else, that sentence summed up how we all felt about each other.
Katie and Ryan then mounted the second mattress and pushed off from the shore, leaving Tanner and Zoey - Plotter Jr. - to entertain themselves. I cackled maniacally to myself as I began to pull my water toys out of the bag I'd packed them in. I dipped all four of the super soaker balls into the water, preparing them to be launched at the other mattress. Then, I loaded up one of the two super soakers I brought as well and set it on the mattress next to me before chucking the other empty one at them with a battle cry of "DEFEND YOURSELVES!!!"
I grabbed the super soaker next to me and sprayed both of them down, and then threw the super soaker balls toward them, rapid fire style. I cackled again as their cries of frustration rang across the sky, causing Tanner and Zoey - Plotter Jr. - to jump and come running.
I refilled my supper soaker at shot it at them again, but they were out of range thanks to Ryan's paddling.
"Haha, come and get us," he cried.
Events continued on like this for another twenty minutes before. . .
"Woah, our mattress is deflating!" Katie cried.
So we paddled back to shore, and Katie had an epiphany.
"How about we stack them on top of each other?"
I liked the idea, so we lifted their deflated mattress on top of mine and clambered on to it. By this time, the pond was no longer our own. Three kids, much younger than the rest of us, were now playing in the water, and our mattress had begun to drift off to one side.
"Katie, have you talked to your council lately? We could use some help steering this thing."
Background story: Katie was sitting in a ditch with a small stream going through it. A little girl came by and asked what she was doing. Katie told her that she was Queen of the Mermaids and was waiting to meet with her council. The little girl believed her.
"Council?" Ryan asked.
"HAHA, I'd forgotten about that," was her reply.
I quickly explained the background story to Ryan and then Katie said, "We're a sexist council so you can be our butler."
"Which makes you our motor," I summed up for him. "So paddle that way."
He glared at me and I could just hear him thinking, 'Really.' I just smiled and nodded. He sighed and begrudgingly laid down over the side of the mattress to start paddling us towards the middle of the pond. Giving Ryan all the credit he deserves, we didn't make it very far. After about five minutes, Katie and I began to call to the little children that had invaded our pond.
"HEY! Want to come push us to the middle?" I cried, in the direction of the oldest child, a girl.
"Our butler is having some issues," Katie called after me.
Ryan grumbled.
The little girl made her way over and looked at us. "I can help you I guess. Where do you want to go?"
"Just to the middle," Katie said. "We'll let you join our council as payment for your good deeds."
"I'm just here to catch frogs," she said, obviously thinking we weren't half as serious as we were.
"You'll be the council's chauffeur/frog catcher then," I said.
She just blinked and pulled us to the middle of the pond, and then went back to her frogs.
"I can't believe you just added her to your 'council," Ryan muttered.
I busted up, but Katie looked almost offended.
"I cannot allow a man onto the council! It betrays the most ancient traditions!"
Ryan grumbled, and we all just laid out on the mattress, enjoying the sun. Probably thirty minutes later, I looked up and realized that we'd drifted back to the banks of the pond.
"Uh, guys," I said.
"BUTLER!" Katie cried, and poor Ryan began to paddle once more. The chauffeur/frog catcher looked over and saw Ryan struggling with the steering - yet again - and she swam back over to us.
"It looks like your butler is having some problems," she said, shooting Ryan a pitying look. "Want to go back to the middle?"
"Yes, please," Katie said sweetly.
We ended up in the middle again, but it didn't last long because we realized our voice of reason was no where to be found - and he'd taken Katie's little sister with him. Once we got our mattresses back to shore, we took off into the trees looking for the lost souls. We drug them back and began to haul all of our supplies back to Denton - the Car.
"Okay, now it's time for sledding," I said, "Kate, what do we do?"
(For those of you at home, a list of things you need for Redneck Sledding:
1) air mattress
2) pump (unless you want to waste your breath filling said mattress up)
3) sun screen
4) a whole HECK of a lot of soapy liquids
5) a hill
6) water
7) a car to transport everything to said hill)
Katie was in her element.
"Paige, you say here and re-inflate the mattresses. Tanner, Ryan and Zoe (- Jr. Plotter -) grab the soap. We have to . . . wash this hill."
They all went to the trunk as I sat in the front seat forcing the car application for the pump into the cigarette lighter.
"Um, Paige, I don't think we've got enough," Katie said, "The hill is bigger than I remember."
"Okay, well lets go get some then," I said, and we piled into Denton - The Car - and set course for Wal*Mart.
We walked in and got a lot of really weird looks because Katie, Ryan, and I were still in our 'Fishing' clothes. We headed right to the bathroom isle so that we could select the most delectable smelling shampoo's for the sake of the hill.
"What scent?" Katie asked the group, "Lavender, or coconut?"
"I'm good either way," I said.
"I like coconut," one of the guys (I can't remember which).
"No, do lavender," the other said.
That's when the lady standing next to us gave us a really weird look and slowly left the isle.
"We'll do both then," Katie said as I, being the only one who noticed the lady, cracked up. "We're gonna need a cart."
"Got it," Tanner called, and dashed off.
We all stared after him, wondering if we would ever see his face again. He came barrelling around the corner and we loaded ever single bottle of shampoo into the cart.
"Do you think this will be enough?" Katie asked.
"Kate, the cart is practically overflowing," I said. "We'll be fine."
"We don't want to have to come back," Ryan said.
"We won't don't worry."
We walked around into the next isle just to make sure we were getting the best deal possible. My eyes scanned the shelves and I yanked the cart to a stop.
"You guys! Jackpot!"
There were HUGE bottles of bubble bath. Big enough to last one person a life time of bubble baths - and we needed a lot more than that.
"I'm pretty sure we could get three maybe four of these and we'll be good," I said.
"Is that going to be enough?" Katie asked again.
"We have the stuff in the car already," I said. "This is just insurance."
"Okay, lets get the honeysuckle kind," she said. There were only two bottles so we ended up getting two lavender scented ones as well. I gave control of the cart back to Zoey - Jr. Plotter - and Tanner.
"Go put the shampoos back," I ordered.
They cackled and went back around the corner, much banging and tumbling of bottles proceeded to sound from their isle. Once they were back we headed to checkout.
"Oh, I'm so glad my brother isn't working," Katie said as the four of us stepped up in our line and the cashier gave us an extremely sceptical look.
We got back into the car and Katie delegated the same duties. The spread the soap and I inflated the mattresses and we all pulled them to the top of that poor doomed hill.
"Ok lets do this!" Katie said, jumping on one of the mattress, which slid a colossal three feet.
"Wow," I said clapping slowly, "That was amazing!"
"Shaddup Paige," she said. "We need more water."
"I can go and steal a hose if you want," I offered. "We can run it from the spigot to the top of the hill so the hill doesn't dry out for a while."
"Good plan," Katie said.
"I'll go with you," Zoey - Jr. Plotter - said.
"Okay, Tanner and Ryan, grab a bubble bath bottle, we're going to keep the hill wet.
Zoey - Jr. Plotter - and I jumped into Denton - The Car - and went to my house to collect the hose. Apparently, we took forever because we found Katie, Tanner and Ryan all laying on one mattress, with the other on top of them. They'll have to post about what happened there.
I hooked the hose to the spigot and stretched it to the top of that hill, spraying water down til the grass was so shinny it hurt to look at.
"Okay, take two," Katie said. She jumped on a mattress and flew down the hill with a triumphant cry.
Tanner and Ryan jumped on the second mattress and down they went.
The next hour consisted of us diving down the hill head first, feet first, on our stomachs, on our feet, and sometimes even our rear ends - but they didn't make it that far on those, did you guys? We sledded until we could barely talk anymore.
To this day, the grass is brown and scratchy where we poured gallon upon gallon of bubble bath, and if you push your nose into the grass you can still smell the delightful combination of honey suckle and lavender.

Moments Like These

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