"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you." - Christion Morgenstern
"There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them." -J.K. Rowling

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Great Prank War, Round One (Girls): Pre-historic AIDS

Since Katie and I pretty much started this war, our attack is the beginning of round one - "The Deed is Done" is the prequel, kinda like the Olive Branch Petition to the Revolutionary War. Did you really think we would let the guys attack Katie's car without retaliating? Even if we did insult their masculinity - we stand behind what we said, ESPECIALLY after we came up with this idea.
You see, Katie and I have been sisters for four long years. We know each other extremely well. This is a very important thing to have when on a team. Katie and I can hold fully fledged conversations with the boys and be talking about something completely different at the same time. I highly recommend that kind of connection when entering your own prank war. The second thing you'll need is the proper supplies - as the boys learned in their rather humiliating part of the prequel. Katie and I are definitely veterans to the art of pranking. We were TECHIES in high school for crying out loud. We have SO got this war thing in the bag. Thirdly, the ability to work quietly and quickly. If we make so much as a scritch while attacking Ryan, he'll hear us. Fourth, we couldn't pull a prank without getting their input. So we called this Katie's AIDS project for her MA class, and asked for their opinions on what color the 'cell' should be and how we should make the 'tail' of a syringe, constantly referring to the AIDS virus as prehistoric so as to elude to the dinosaur element. Neither of them seemed to pick up on our true plans, oh well.

Besides, boys, my team mate's title is THE PLOTTER. Do you really thing you can out plot her?

This prank was a two day process for us. We had had the basic idea for a while, but we needed to work out the finer details. We pulled out our hoard of poster board, and began cutting. Being the writer of the group, I was charged with thinking of the clever little message we would leave.

For those of you who would like to use our ideas, here is a list of things needed to turn any given car into a dinosaur:

  1. Poster board - easily manipulated into the spikes down the spine of the beast, different colors add more personality and allow you to make eyes and a tongue as well. The poster board is also useful for any kind of sign or message you want to leave (see the picture descriptions for ours)

  2. Tape - Scotch works to hold the different pieces together but you'll have to use something stronger for mounting them - painters tape works well if you get ALL of the plastic wrap off. Duct tape may damage the paint job, which would have been against our rules. Go for brands you know will work, I had to get creative with some of the tape tonight

  3. Shaving cream - you can coat the car or just do little spots like we did, either way you want to go for the women's cream: it smells SO much better, and is actually better at holding onto the pickles

  4. Pickles - we used ours to give the dinosaurs Spotted Pickle Fever - a.k.a. prehistoric AIDS - but they can also be used as scales if you do it correctly

  5. Tail - I made the tails for our dinos out of a springy door stop, two everyday plastic straws, and some yarn. Tape is also helpful to hold this part together

  6. Markers - usually helpful with the sign part . . . just saying

  7. Proper attire - it is NO fun to prank in every day clothes, Katie and I adopted the clad black attire of the techies. This stuff is SO much for fun when you feel like a criminal.

Before I left to work the morning of the attack, I loaded everything we might possibly need into the back of my car - including all of our back up supplies. Ryan and I spent some time together, discussing evil children and swapping work stories. The whole time Ryan was never more than 20 feet away from discovering our plan - he not only sat in the remnants of part of it - pickle juice - but he even helped us shop for parts of it.

I made up an excuse for taking Katie to work because we would be pranking once she was off her shift at Costa Vida - Home of the Burrito - and left. Once she was safely at work, I returned to the theatre, where Ryan was currently on shift, and hung around a while antagonizing him with annoyingly knowing smiles. I left early to HIS house to discuss our prank with his parents (see rule #7), and collect last minute supplies from my house - the black clothing and camera (see rule #9). I sat outside of Costa Vida - Home of the Burrito - like a creeper for a good thirty minutes and then Katie and I zoomed to our first victim's house.

We pulled up to Tanner's house praying that his car was actually present. The sight of good old Jack - The Pumpkin King - caused a sigh of relief to issue from our lips as I threw Denton - the Car - into reverse, and backed into his driveway. We chatted quietly as I taped the spikes on the hood and back window and Katie shaving cream and pickled. It might have been the hushed voices, or the black clothing, but I'm pretty sure someone was watching us the entire time. Once we finished Tanner's car we tore out of there as fast as Denton - the Car's - brand new wheels (see "What Happens When Paige Is In A Car Part 2, 3, . . . and 4) would carry us.

We sidled up to Ryan's car, backwards, and immediately got to work at our previous assignments. We were much quieter here because Ryan is usually pretty good at telling when people get to his house - down to ID by the sound your car engine makes. About five minutes after we'd begun, the light in Ryan's room flicked on - Kate and I froze in utter terror. Seconds later, the light disappeared and we went back to work. Fifteen minutes before we finished, the light flicked on again, and refused to go back out. The Plotter and I took a deep breath and continued our work, sure that this time we were DEFINITELY being watched. Once we finished taking pictures of Birdie - the Painted - Team Girl was speeding away in their getaway car, texting our classic notification - "The deed is done" - to both boys (see rule #8).

Unable to resist the opportunity to mock Ryan, Katie convinced me to flip a u-turn and we watched as Ryan ran out of his house to assess the damage - though none was permanent (see rule #5). We passed twice, cackling in the glory of our victory.

To be continued. . . .

Moments Like These
The sign says: "In the prehistoric era, the world as we know it could not exist. Giant lizards, known as dinosaurs, ruled the earth. There has been much debate on how they became extinct. Was it a comet or the Ice Age? They say the world may never know. We figured it out though - we know what killed the dinosaurs. These prehistoric beasts were killed by none other than a prehistoric disease - Spotted Pickle Fever. Our research shows that the disease has been making a comeback, attacking the true beasts of our time: cars. We were on our way to warn you, but alas, we were too late. . . . <3/>

Pictures of the process, in case anyone cares.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Pagan Series: Part Three

I was in Ryan's neighborhood today - more specifically his house - and while thinking about this blog, I realized that we haven't updated our audiences on the demented dwellers that haunt the end of his street. That's right, friends! The Pagan Series is back!
As I've described before, their house looms at the end of the street, casting an erie red glow onto the mangled jungle they must call a front lawn. Though their real life appearances have been few, and very brief, they can come out into the sunlight without spontaneously combusting. It's always been as if this house has eyes, watching silently for the next soul it can devour. It is said that the patrons are hollow, soulless beings, with eyes that can see into the depths of your mind. They can smell fear, and run the most successful ring of ice-cream trucks in the Utah Valley. Naturally, we avoid the place at all costs, because we might not be an extremely superstitious group, but they just flat out scare us. Especially because of the newest addition.
Those windows that glow red have always been decorated with pentagrams and other demonic symbols. Apparently, though, the patrons thought that they needed to impose their creeping nature on the neighborhood even more, because they have begun to host a demon. It hangs in their window, ragged and worn, smiling down on the innocent passerby as if plotting their eminent death. It's arms are spread apart, calling the lost souls to it's presence, hoping to gain energy to regain it's strength.
We think it's plotting to overtake these satanic settlers, and wreak havoc on the land of Lehi. But that might just be us. . . what do you think?
Moments Like These

The Deed is Done

It has begun.
Probably the three most terrifying words I can hear from any one of my family members. Especially the 'IT' part. 'IT' can mean anything - and I mean anything. If you don't believe me, scroll though the archives of this blog - though it wasn't always written, 90% of these stories began with those three words. More recently, these words have led to some kind of battle - thus the beginning of the Great Prank War of 2011.
As you have all read, we have a history of attacking people's cars. Katie and I more so than the boys. Apparently they've been biding their time, waiting until the next time we attacked until they could retaliate. Which we never did . . . so I have NO clue why they did. They'll probably pass it off as some kind of chivalry - but they were just scared.
Just a day ago, Katie and I signed them up for this ridiculous fan club thing, and apparently it was an insult to their manhood. *I later found out that the fact that we said that they're men so they can't be creative was what really insulted their manhood. I guess we'll see if they prove us wrong.* This offense could not go unpunished, so the boys ended up at Ryan's house planning their next move. Naturally, Katie and I found this out, and with a little coaxing from my little Plotter, drove to his house - intent on severely creeping them out. Creepy being the objective, we took Death - Eater of Humans - and circled Ryan's neighborhood four times. Each time we passed his house we pulled into his driveway and flashed his house with the brites. On the last time, Katie turned the car off and sat in the driveway for a good minute, and then turned it back on. Tanner's terrified face appeared as his hand ripped the curtain out of the way of the window, and we shot out of Ryan's driveway cackling the entire time.
This creeping was FINALLY the last straw for the boys. They hit Death - Eater of Humans - with shaving and whipping cream. Fortunately for me, Denton was tucked safely in Maddiline - The Supreme Samurai's - garage, and the guys, with all of their extensive planning, ran out of supplies. So my car was unmarred, but the boys had declared open warfare.
Being the civilized teens that we are, our war actually has rules. They are as follows:
  1. NO rice, sparkles, or confetti (no exceptions)
  2. NO repeats (though ideas can be remade)
  3. Attacks must be every other - boys, girls, boys, girls (April Fools is free game)
  4. If the prankee is out of town their car is off limits
  5. NO permanent damage
  6. NO outsiders
  7. Prank cannot be an inconvenience to prankee's family
  8. The opposite party must be notified when the prank has been delivered (a.k.a. 'The deed is done' or 'You asked for it')
  9. Detailed pictures MUST be taken of every prank for documentation on this blog
  10. Birthdays are off limits
  11. To end the war, the surrendering party must hang the 'White Flag of Shame' on the front of their base - visible to the general public for at least a week. The winning party will take that action as their cue to cease the attacks.
**Punishment for ANY broken rule: the opposing team will be granted the ability to attack twice in a row.
***This list of rules is subject to be modified, added to, or subtracted from with the consent of every member of every party.
Hello, boys?
Moments Like These

"HELP!!! My nerd is stuck in a tree!!"

This is a Family blog, obviously. You might have noticed, though, that other people have made appearances. These people are dear family friends - every family has those, right? Anyway, it's kind of a family tradition to attack or commandeer each other's rooms when the owner goes out of town. This tradition has become slightly more widespread than we'd ever imagined - as you say in Kate's post "The Worst Pirates You've Ever Seen."
Well, Maddiline - The Supreme Samurai - went to Disneyland - The Happiest Place On Earth 0 with her family and I am usually the first one called to watch their adorable little dog, Nike - the energetic puff ball. So, I have 'into the house' privileges, which naturally extend to 'into Maddiline - the Supreme Samuari's - room' privileges. Being me, I also have constant Plotter privileges, so this whole room thing was pretty much in the bag.
Even if we're all over the age of 17, Phineas and Ferb is our favorite T.V. show. Ever. Perry the Platypus is our favorite character. His nemesis (nemi - nemi. Oh my nemi - nemi)? Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the natural antagonist that should attack the Samurai's room. I spent a good 30-60 minutes looking up pictures of the infamous doctor to plaster all over Maddiline - The Supreme Samuari's room. Once I returned to her house, Katie in shotgun, we went to work - cutting out the pictures and setting up the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated (you KNOW you just sang that in your head, maybe even out loud) sign.
Now you can't have Doofenshmirtz without Perry, it just doesn't work. So Perry the Platypus makes his appearances as well.
Moments Like These

Sunday, March 6, 2011

What Happens When Paige Is In A Car Part 2, 3. . . and 4

Katie claims that all of our posts are posted to humiliate her. This is completely selfish (haha just kidding, Katie, I had to say it) and TOTALLY untrue. This one, for example, is written to display my humiliating lack of knowledge of cars.
Part two:
First of all, when I have car problems, there is a list of people I call to come and save me. The people are always contacted in this order:
  1. Taylor Holmes - the older brother

  2. Ryan Ditty

  3. Katie Smith

  4. Tanner Cutler (though he and I both know that that's more for moral support than anything else)

  5. AAA - my dad had the great sense to sign me up with these guys
On this particular night, I had just gotten back from my vacation to THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER - heaven on Earth - and had souvenirs to give. I got Taylor - the older brother - this shirt with a picture of the Brazilian flag on it - a sound sensitive Brazilian flag (HECK yeah). I had just gotten off of work at the Megaplex - the work place - and was running out to Denton - the Car - to run over to his house and deliver the shirt that I knew he would TOTALLY love. But what happens when I try to start my car?
That's right.
It doesn't start. Which usually means the battery died, and I didn't have jumper cables in my car - not that it would've helped. Since I was on my way to Taylor - the older brother's - house, and given the time of night, I didn't want to call him all the way out there. Ryan lives just a little way away, so I called him. Guess what happened?
That's right.
Ryan didn't answer (Ryan, I don't hold it against you at all don't worry.) I waited for about five minutes and called again, and, yet again, he didn't answer. I figured he'd fallen asleep, so I moved down to the next person on my list - Katie. She answered the phone and I explained my predicament.
"I'll be there soon," she sighed into the phone and I thanked the heavens up above that I'd had the sense to make friends with people that knew what to do with broken cars - excepting Tanner of course (not that I'm one to talk, obviously). I chilled out in my car - literally, because it was kind of cold and since my car wouldn't turn on I didn't have a heater. Kate arrived and we began the process of jumping my car. My phone vibrated with a text from Ryan: Sorry, I was in the shower. What's up?
I explained my predicament and told him not to worry because Kate was there, and that I'd keep him posted (haha, it's kind of ironic to use that word in a post). I had to text Taylor and tell him that I was running late because of some car problems, and being my older brother, he freaked out and told me he was coming anyway.
By the time he got there, Katie and I had realized that the jump wasn't working because Denton - the Car - was out of gas - for the first time in this history of his depressing, dented life. So we'd gone UP to Katie's house, gathered the crappy gas tank, drove ALL the way back down to the Maverick down the street from theatre, filled the gas tank, and had begun refilling the tank. He took one look at me and shook his head in the most sarcastically disappointed manner I'd ever seen on his face.
Taylor - the older brother - took the gas tank from me and quickly finished before running to the front of the car and checking the connection of our jumper cables. He sat in the drivers seat and worked his magic. Denton's engine roared to life, and I continued to shower Katie and Taylor with praises and thanks.
Part Thee:
I was driving to Katie's house, from Maddiline - The Supreme Samurai's - house. As I pulled out from Maddiline - The Supreme Samurai's - neighborhood, my car made this really high pitched screeching noise.
Like that.
Now, I promise you I'm not car retarded enough to think that that's normal. But there was nothing I could do about it at the time so I just kept driving. I got on to the main road - Canyon Road, for those of you who live in the area - and chanced a look out my rear view mirror, only to see a thick plume of putrid smoke issuing from the back of my car.
This seriously confused me because, as far as I knew, there wasn't anything in that part of the car that could smoke. So I pulled over and got out, only to see that the rear passenger side tire had disintegrated. Since I was on the way to Katie's house, I skipped the first two people on my list and called her. I explained my situation and she sighed.
"SEVENTEEN hours, Paige," she exclaimed. "SEVENTEEN!!"
"Yeah, I know," I said.
"I'm on my way," she said.
I sat on the side of the road - with an operating heating system - until she got there with her jack. I watched as she began changing the tire, and just as she was finishing screwing on the spare, this white truck pulls up and two men get out.
"Can we help you guys?" they asked.
Katie shot me a look that screamed, REALLY?! You show up now?! and turned towards them.
"You can help us finish if you'd like."
They made entertaining small talk as they finished, and bid us a happy farewell. Katie and I hugged, laughing, and reaffirmed the original plans to meet at her house.
Part Four:
I get down the mountain, and do a rear view mirror check. What do I see?
That's right.
Another freaking plume of smoke. I pulled over, checked the spare and guess what I found?
That's right.
The SPARE had disintegrated. I started laughing so hard I almost fell over and called Katie back.
"So . . . you're never gonna guess what just happened."
"What, Paige?"
"My spare just died."
"I'm turning around."
"I love you."
I sat in my car on the side of the road, yet AGAIN. Katie showed up and we jacked up the car. The higher and higher she pushed the car, more and more dirt fell out of the spare tire. By the time we finished jacking it, there was a THREE INCH mountain of dirt under the tire. Katie and I retreated to Death - Eater of Humans - and called AAA. This really nice representative picked up the phone, made sure we were safe, told us that she was in Ohio and trying to find our location on her computer. We told her we were just on the Cedar Hills side of the Cedar Hills/Highland border. Fifteen minutes of forced small talk later, she asked:
"Are you in northern or southern California?"
Katie looked up from the yearbook-bag she'd been reading and said, "I am your inspiration."
I sighed, and prayed for the patience to get through the whole situation. "I'm actually in Utah," I replied as politely as I could.
"Oh, that would make a lot more sense," she said slowly.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Give me just a second."
About an hour later, the tow guy finally showed up and took poor old Denton - the Car - to the tire shop about two minutes down the road. I am proud to report that Denton - the Car - is, once again, in operating on all cylinders. Despair not, dear friends - I'm sure there are more entertaining car stories in the near future. ESPECIALLY with yours truly behind the wheel.
Moments Like These